Personal Accounts

Common Sense Dating Advice for the Holidays

Some useful advice from our friends at Match.com.  I think it is particularly important to remember it is better to be on your own for the holidays than with some for the sake as a temporary fix for lonliness you might be feeling.

By Randy B. Hecht

'Tis the season to be in a relationship ... or be acutely aware that you're not in a relationship. From thoughts of romantic gifts exchanged under twinkly lights to the pressure to be with a special someone on New Year's Eve — which fast forwards in what seems like a matter of seconds to pressure to exchange romantic gifts with a special someone on Valentine's Day — this can be a difficult time of year.

It doesn't have to be, though — even if you're not paired off at the moment. There are plenty of others out there who likewise aren't spending this holiday season as half of a couple. There are plenty of parties on your calendar. That gives you ample opportunity to celebrate, have some fun and maybe meet someone new. Here's how to make the most of your holiday dating season:

Travel safely. The streets are slippery and everyone is in holiday rush mode, which is not the ideal combination for getting from place to place. Give yourself a little extra time to get there, walk and drive slowly and carefully, and arrive in one piece.

Watch your waistline. With all the goodies to try at all those parties, it's easy to end the season with a midsection that looks appallingly like Santa's. Try eating a low-calorie, high-bulk meal before you go out in order to curb your hunger and control your appetite for all those cookies, chocolates and other treats.

Put a cork in excessive drinking, too. Nothing wrong with a Champagne toast, a cup of eggnog, some beer, wine or your favorite cocktail — in moderation. Remember, alcohol can make you say and do things you'll regret when you sober up, especially if they happened at the office party, in front of a camera or behind the wheel of a car.

Baby, it's cold outside. Yes, you want to wear that shoulder-baring dress and strappy high-heeled shoes ... but it's freezing outside, and that's before you consider the wind-chill factor. Either re-think the outfit or find a way to slip unnoticed out of your snowgear and into full party paraphernalia. Even the most fashion-conscious among us can be felled by the flu.

Go ahead, talk to strangers. Meet new people at parties, ask your friends to help you find fresh social connections, search for dates online, and so on. Make plans with the ones who catch your fancy. Just practice year-round common sense and make your first meeting in a public place.

Don't make desperate decisions. If it comes to it, you will survive a solo holiday season. And being a single in a group of friends as the new year rolls in beats being alone with someone who was the best you could do under the circumstances.

Have fun! Enjoy the music, the gift-giving, the company of friends and the spirit of the season. Say "I love you" a lot. Imagine a better, kinder, more peaceful world. Give yourself the once-a-year indulgence of believing in magic — and hope that life will reward that belief by steering a little magic your way. Happy holidays!

Link to Mentioned Sites

Match.com

Hyperdating: Speeding up the Courting Process

A recent article provided to Lavalife members explores how online dating has had an impact on the way that many singles are now approaching the mating process, with good and bad points.  More selection and choices, but very hasty judgments, making first impressions even more important than ever.

Hyperdating: How Online Dating Speeds Up the Courting Process

By Lisa Daily

A friend of mine usually has five or six dates a week with guys she's met online. Is she a tramp? No, actually, she may be an old-fashioned girl by today's dating standards. Many online daters are setting up as many as ten or more dates per week, sometimes two or three a night. Welcome to the fast-paced world of hyperdating.

Contrary to what you might expect, most hyperdaters aren't slutty, sex-crazed players looking for a hookup. In fact, many daters use hyperdating as a way to speed up the traditional dating process in order to find a meaningful relationship.

Many people who date online have sharpened their online dating skills down to an exact science: The scenario goes something like this:

You meet online. Something sparks and you find yourself emailing back and forth like a couple of lovesick teenagers. She shares her traumatic frog experience from the fourth grade, he confesses that his favorite song is "Wind Beneath My Wings." Before you know it, you're trading photos, rapid-firing IMs, and setting a date for coffee/lunch/drinks. You finally meet in person, decide the chemistry just isn't enough to overcome your previous knowledge of his/her cat collection/persistent underemployment/sketchy wardrobe and you end the date before the waiter has a chance to bring a check. Or, there is a spark, and you bond feverishly over your previously established adoration of canned ravioli/ Graham Norton/tarot cards. In which case you finish your Apple-tinis (certain you've found your soulmate,) and head back to your place.

We swoon over the profiles of bankers and car salesmen the way we used to pore over the details of TV heartthrobs and rock-n-roll frontmen in the latest edition of Teen Beat.

Unfortunately, looking for something meaningful can be a challenge in the convenience-driven world of online dating. Why settle for less than romance novel perfection when there is a full menu of replacement dates as close as the nearest Internet connection? And, with the introduction of mobile dating (dating via cell phone) on the horizon, industrious daters could be hooking up with someone new while their not-so-fantastic date is in the restaurant bathroom.

Dating has been transformed from ten years ago when a "date" meant drinks, dinner, a movie and maybe a kiss on the doorstep. Now, it's the 30-minute mini-date. Friday night date night may still mean drinks, dinner and a movie, but now, it's with three different people.

The Good News and Bad News

Here's the good news about hyperdating: Thanks to the magic of romance technology and round-the-clock man shopping, you can cram 15 years worth of dating into a mere 37 months.

The bad news: You may be so numb from chronic over-dating that you fail to realize when Mr. or Ms. Right finally crosses your inbox.

More good news about hyperdating: You can learn from somebody's profile what would have taken grandma five dates to glean in a traditional dating process.

The bad news: Too short, too lazy, too undereducated. In a slower-paced social setting you might take the time to get to know someone who wouldn't fit your ideal profile, somebody bad on paper and great in person. In the efficiency –driven world of hyperdating we make snap judgments based on height, job description and pet preference. Like a Lexus salesman who passes over the millionaire with the scruffy jacket and torn blue jeans, a shopper that doesn't look like he can make the payments doesn't get offered the test drive.

Lisa is author of Stop Getting Dumped!

LINKS

Stop Getting Dumped!

Lavalife

Love is a Drug, so Enjoy the Buzz

Like so many single woman, friendship is an important support system for me.  My single male friends, in particular, come in handy not only for the more banal aspects of life, like handy man jobs, but for the more social aspects for to participate in activities where "plus one" is far more enjoyable. 

So it came with some shock in the past few weeks, that not one, but two platonic male friends have fallen into the depths of love and will be shortly walking down the aisle.  Having become fond of not having to share my space with a significant other, it appears strange that they would so abruptly leave the club of the unmarried, but to one I replied, "love is a drug so enjoy the buzz".  And actually that is not far from the truth.

Love is a Drug

Elation, mood swings, sleeplessness, and obsession—these are the tell-tale signs of someone in the throes of romantic passion. In the new book, Why We Love, renowned anthropologist Helen Fisher explains why this experience—which cuts across time, geography, and gender—is a force as powerful as the need for food or sleep.

Why We Love begins by presenting the results of a scientific study in which Fisher scanned the brains of people who had just fallen madly in love. She proves, at last, what researchers had only suspected: when you fall in love, primordial areas of the brain “light up” with increased blood flow, creating romantic passion. Fisher uses this new research to show exactly what you experience when you fall in love, why you choose one person rather than another, and how romantic love affects your sex drive and your feelings of attachment to a partner. She argues that all animals feel romantic attraction, that love at first sight comes out of nature, and that human romance evolved for crucial reasons of survival. Lastly, she offers concrete suggestions on how to control this ancient passion, and she optimistically explores the future of romantic love in our chaotic modern world.

Provocative, enlightening, and persuasive, Why We Love offers radical new answers to the age-old question of what love is and thus provides invaluable new insights into keeping love alive.

And How Long does Love Last?  How about the Seven Year Itch?

In a recent 20/20 program, Ms. Fisher was interviewed about the myth of the Seven-Year Itch. Is there anything to the belief that spouses are most likely to feel the urge to stray after seven years? Actually, according to evolutionary anthropologist Helen Fisher, it happens a lot sooner, and the reasons for this may go back to the dawn of humanity.

"As it turns out, the standard period of human birth spacing was originally four years. We were built to have our children four years apart and I think that this drive to pair up and stay together at least four years evolved millions of years ago so that a man and a woman would be drawn together and stay together, tolerate each other, at least long enough to rear a single child through infancy," said Fisher.

Following the urge to find a new partner after that four-year period, she says, may have been a way that humans added more variation to the gene pool.

So there is an itch — it's just a four-year itch, according to Fisher.

"People around the world tend to divorce during and around the fourth year of marriage," she said.

But what about the myth of seven years came from — why seven years? One possibility is that it was adapted from an old wives' tale about poison ivy — that if you ever get poison ivy, the itch will return every seven years. But what Fisher seems to suggest is that humans lack the persistence of poison ivy.

So if the seven-year-itch isn't a total myth, it's just a little mistake in math.

Mail Order Brides and Onling Dating Sites Beware

A federal court decision was issued today in favour of a "mail order" bride who used an online dating service specializing in overseas matchmaking.  The issue related to a Ukrainian woman who abused by the husband she met through Encounters International. 

Nataliya Fox accused Encounters International of fraud and negligence, saying it should have screened its male clients and told her about a law that helps foreign nationals escape abusive relationships without fear of automatic deportation.

The lawsuit against Encounters International -- whose Web site boasts 257 married couples, 103 babies and 19 current engagements -- was described as the nation's first to hold an Internet dating service responsible in a relationship that went sour.

The issue of protecting your personal safety ultimately rests with you, and if you read the fine print on the online sites you frequent, there are many warnings to that effect.  However, this decision could pave the way for other law suits which put more responsibility on the web site service provider to provide some pre-screening as a automatic service to subscribers. 

True.com has made pre-screening their bench mark for customer service, and how they distinguish themselves from their competitors.  However, more sites may begin to take the issue more seriously as legal protection from being held culpable for the consequences of its members.  In the end, the dating consumer should benefit from a more responsible approach that the online introduction services will take.

A previous article, Improving the State of the Date, explores safety and dating and the informal study which probes how safe women feel when dating online.

TOP FOUR ONLINE DATING SITES

1. Yahoo Personals

2. Match.com

3. American Singles

4. eharmony

Yahoo launches Premium Online Dating Service

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Yahoo's new premium online dating service costs nearly $35 a month, hopes to challenge eHarmony.

SAN FRANCISCO

(Reuters) - Yahoo Inc. late Tuesday launched Personals Premier, a premium online dating service aimed at attracting serious relationship seekers with deeper pockets.

The move challenges eHarmony, a popular online dating site that picks potential "soul mates" for its subscribers based on results from a lengthy personality test.

Yahoo's new premium service costs $34.95 a month and features searching and matching technology that uses results from new relationship and personality tests. Yahoo's existing personals service costs $19.95 per month. Online dating is booming, with the

U.S.

industry projected to generate $558 million in revenue this year, Yahoo predicts.

Privately held eHarmony recently has gained popularity thanks to a multimillion-dollar television and radio advertising blitz. Its monthly membership fee is $49.95.

According to Internet traffic monitoring company Hitwise, eHarmony visitors are much more likely to be in the age range of 25 to 34 while Yahoo's visitors are older or younger -- with lower incomes.

Yahoo Personals is No. 1 in the online dating category with about 21 percent of the market, while EHarmony is fourth, with about 6 percent market share, after IAC/InterActiveCorp.'s Match.com and MatchNet's American Singles, Hitwise reported.

Yahoo shares closed at $36.74 Tuesday on the Nasdaq.

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LINKS TO MENTIONED SITES

Yahoo Personals

Match.com

American Singles

eharmony

Beat the Holiday Rush for Dates

Margot Carmichael Lester, for Match.com

There’s something about this time of year that really fires up the urge to merge.

First, there’s that pesky prehistoric hardwiring that makes us want to huddle inside our caves to safeguard ourselves against the coming darkness. Second, you can’t help but wish for a beloved with all those sappy commercials showing happy, loving couples frolicking in the snow, enjoying hot chocolate and then getting engaged. And then there’s the simple logistical element — so many parties and not an escort to be found.

Fellow singles, make a resolution right now to beat the holiday rush for partners. Here are some tips to get you on your merry way:

Makin’ a list. Checkin’ it twice.
Take an inventory of your best traits and areas in which you want to improve. Make a plan to celebrate the good points and overcome the bad ones. Then make a list of what you’re looking for in a mate and what you consider deal breakers. These exercises help you get a clearer picture of yourself and your potential partner. Having a keener focus can make it easier to find a good match.

Tip: Use this list to polish up your online dating profile, then post a new picture and pop a few emails to promising prospects.

Go out and play.
Fall and winter are great times to get outside! Check with your local Sierra Club or parks and recreation department for day hikes, ski trips and other outdoor activities.

Curl up with a good book.
Most bookstores and libraries have reading clubs organized by area of interest (creative non-fiction, romance, etc.). These groups not only expose you to great literature but also could expose you to a great mate with similar tastes.

Give to others.
Most communities offer some kind of Thanksgiving meal for homeless or impoverished people. Why not sign up to do some advance work or to serve food on the big day? You’ll be doing something good for the community and will meet other volunteers with the same sensibilities. And even if you don’t make a love connection, the experience will ensure you don’t take your own good fortune for granted.

‘Tis the season.
Plan a Jingle Bells, Single Belles party for your uninvolved friends. In addition to bringing a toy or cash donation for a charity, each guest must bring another single person. This way, you expand your dating pool while getting into the spirit of the season.

Of course, the most convenient way to meet singles with your interests is from your computer! Check out your local dating sites and start searching for someone to share the holidays with.

LINKS TO ONLINE DATING SITES

Match.com

Exercise is Good for Your Sex Life

One of the perks of a good online dating service is the extras like advice---tidbits of just in time information about dating, relationships, health and fitness. The dating site True has a regular magazine which provides much more information that "how to write my online profile". Here is a particularly motivational article to give you a pretty primal reason for hitting the gym. Someday you too can brag like Pink who crones "I can go for miles if you know what I mean"!   When it comes to the "fit people have greater sex" philosophy I was a convert years ago. Not to be confused with the "thin stick people make better lovers", the better your cardiovascular conditioning, the better enjoyment you both will have. And trust me guys, a guy who wheezes in bed is a bit of a turn off, unless of course your mate is patiently waiting for you to stroke out to collect your millions!

Jane Doe

SEXERCISE: EXERCISE FOR BETTER SEX!
Yvonne K. Fulbright, M.S.Ed., Ph.D.(c)

Need a good reason to hit the gym, go for a run or even just get off the couch? The next time you need motivation to work out, remind yourself that physical fitness makes for better sex by boosting your libido, sexual functioning and ultimate bliss. On top of that, regular exercise contributes to a longer, healthier life, giving you more years of amazing sex to look forward to!

So how does a healthier body boost your sex life? In both males and females, healthy sexual functioning depends a great deal upon the interaction of your cardiovascular system and nervous system. This interaction is contingent upon a number of health recommendations made by the National Cancer Institute and American Heart Association:

• Get regular exercise (a 30-60 minute daily walk at minimum; or moderate exercise, like yoga, 5+ days per week; or vigorous exercise, like aerobics, for 20 minutes per day, three times per week).
• Eat a well-balanced diet (including at least five servings of fruits and vegetables per day).
• Control the amount of alcohol you consume (no more than two drinks/daily).
• Don’t smoke.
• Keep your stress level low.
• Sleep well (at least seven hours every night).
• Maintain a weight that’s suited for your height and build.

On top of the health results you’ll gain from following such guidelines, you’ll also feel energized and confident, and thus more sexually attractive – all factors that contribute to better sexual vitality, sexual desire and enjoyment!

To better understand how and why we reap such benefits from exercise, it’s necessary to look at how our nervous and cardiovascular systems contribute to our sexual functioning. A healthy nervous system enables you to enjoy all types of erotic stimulation, e.g., erotica, heavy breathing, his scent, her taste and touch. It does so partly through the release of certain hormones, e.g., oxytocin, with a relaxed body being more sexually responsive to arousal. Your nervous system also sends increased blood flow to your genitals as you get turned on by relaxing the smooth muscle tissues of the pudendal arteries, which carry blood flow to the genitals. This results in erection in men, and sexual excitement and vaginal lubrication in women.

When your body exercises, it releases mood-elevating compounds known as endorphins, which create the deep relaxation needed for incredible sex. These endorphins also help minimize premenstrual syndrome (PMS), menstrual cramps and the discomforts of menopause in women, making for a better love life.

A healthy cardiovascular system results in your body responding more effectively to your sexual needs, including your sex drive and sexual response. A healthy heart and blood vessels allow for better, improved blood flow throughout your body, filling your tissues, including your genital tissues, with rich oxygen. Loss of libido and diminished sex drive are often the result of a weakened heart.

Perhaps one of the best reasons for exercising is that it can make you feel sexy, with the results being infectious – others see you as sexy, too! A study on male swimmers, ages 40-69, found that 80% considered themselves “more attractive” than other men their age. Even more interesting was that their wives and girlfriends rated these men as more attractive than the men rated themselves. Research, like that of the Massachusetts Male Aging Study, has found that men who exercise the most, burning 200 calories/day, are the least at risk for sexual dysfunctions, e.g., erectile dysfunction. Improved blood flow in the male makes for bigger, firmer and more consistent erections.

So are you motivated? Ready to get out there and play basketball, hit the slopes and ski, rollerblade or dance? As long as it’s regular and moderate, almost any type of exercise improves sex (with one exception – serious cycling – which appears to increase risk of erection problems via nerve damage). And as you’re determining your workout schedule, don’t forget to incorporate regular sex into your routine. A good roll in the hay can help you burn 100-150 calories!

Yvonne K. Fulbright is a noted sexologist and contributor to true. She holds multiple undergraduate degrees in psychology and sociology, as well as a master’s in Human Sexuality Education. Additionally, she is a candidate for a Ph.D. in International Community Health Studies. Her guest appearances and interviews include NBC’s Today show, Inside Edition, Naked New York, Maxim, Esquire, Playboy and Penthouse.

Link to True.Com

True.com

Quebec, Home to the Post Modern Marriage

The results of last week's presidental elections has sent shivers up the spines of many a progressive democrat.  Many are thinking about heading north to Canada.  As noted in an earlier article, there are new web sites that not only provide information on living in Canada, but also providing some inspiration to marry Canadians. 

Canada has a lot to offer liberal-minded Americans including a very liberal view about relationships in the province of Quebec.  Like have a little piece of France in North America, the architechture is centuries old, the men and women ever so fashionable, and their ideas about marriage quite extraordinary.   So while you are thinking about the big move, why not consider Quebec!

Holy Matrimony!

First comes love, then comes marriage.  Now comes Quebec, proposing the World's first Post-Marriage Society.

Excerpts from Essay by Danielle Stanton for Enroute Magazine

As in the rest of the Western world, fewer people are tying the knot in Canada, especially Quebec. Quebecers are not only saying, "I do" at half the rate they did 30 years ago (20,600 marriages in 2003 compared to 50,400 in 1975), but they are also divorcing more frequently. And more Quebec couples are opting for common-law marriage than ever before (30 percent compared to 12 percent elsewhere in Canada and 8 percent in the United States). To see where relationships are headed, we need look no further than the society where the statistical pattern has already played out. Quebec is the crystal ball of North America’s marital destiny.

So why are Quebecers leading this revolution of postconjugal bliss? After the Quiet Revolution that shook Quebec politics, culture and religion in the 1960s, the province quite literally divorced itself from old institutions and embraced modernity. "In 40 years, Quebec went through the same changes that were spread out in other societies over 300 years," says Diane Pacom, a professor of sociology at the University of Ottawa. A huge Environics survey of more than 14,000 North Americans bears this out. It found that Quebec has the highest percentage of non-traditional family environments and is a breeding ground for permissive attitudes. It’s no wonder that Quebec couples are redefining the North American family.

Like picking a new car, Quebecers can select from three distinct takes on coupling: Open-ended couples are the equivalent of a flashy convertible sports car; wedding party animals are like the fun PT Cruiser; and advocates of new-and-improved marriage are as neo-traditionalist as the New Beetle. For all models, fidelity is an option.

The trick to the first variation is to reconcile being both an individual and part of a couple. "Philip has been the love of my life for the past eight years," explains Mackayla, "but we simply couldn’t live together. Our lifestyles are just too different. By living apart, we avoid a lot of arguments." Like other open-ended types, this couple keeps things fresh by deliberately injecting elements of separation and change. Racy and exciting in theory, this lifestyle can be exhausting in practice, as the partners are constantly wondering, "Have I made the right choice? What if the grass is greener…?" Instead of "All for one and one for all," the motto is more like "You for you, and me for me."

LINK TO FULL ARTICLE

Holy Matrimony!

Democrats:  Why Not Come to Canada

LINK TO MENTIONED SITES
Marry an American

Canadianalternative.com

LINK TO ANOTHER AMERICAN DATING SITE

American Singles

Democrats: Why not Come to Canada?

Ever the hospitable neighbors, Canadians are reaching out to Americans unhappy with the re-election of President George W Bush.  A new website called Canadian Alternatives has just launched to provide information on Canada for those progressively minded Americans who are now feeling themselves left out in the cold.  There is even a web site to offer Americans the chance to marry Canadians, all in jest of course, because Canadians are known for our sense of humour.

On the American political spectrum, the vast majority of Canadians would be Democrats, or even further to the left. Just before the election a number of American celebrities joked about moving to Canada if Mr Bush was victorious. Canadian Prime Minister Paul Martin says they would be welcome. However, he says they would not qualify as refugees.

Canadianalternative.com offers advice on housing, employment, immigration and lists five cool things about Canada that have nothing to do with bacon or beer:

1. Canada has universal healthcare
2. Canada has no troops in Iraq
3. Canada signed the Kyoto Protocol
4. Half of Canada's provinces allow same sex marriage
5. The Canadian Senate recommends legalizing marijuana.

Just an aside on the 4th point, Quebec is whole different ball game when it comes to coupling where it is very common to have common law marriages.

Marry a Canadian

In a bid to help out our like-minded neighbours, a Canadian web site is asking Canadians to marry someone from south of the border. "Open your heart, and your home. Marry an American," jests the site www.marryanamerican.ca, set up by a Toronto humour magazine. "Legions of Canadians have already pledged to sacrifice their singlehood to save our southern neighbours from four more years of cowboy conservatism."

Hundreds of Canadians already have signed up, ready to do their part for the cause. To convince Americans to come on up, the site mentions that compared to the United States, Canada is a liberal utopia with universal health care and in some provinces, gay marriage. "We envision a movement where everyone wins: Freedom of expression and a politically convenient marriage with love and igloos for all," it said.

I myself have been engaged to a couple of fine American specimens in my time. With winter coming, perhaps we should consider a home swapping program with Californian Democrats. 

LINK TO MENTIONED SITES
Marry an American

Canadianalternative.com

LINK TO ANOTHER AMERICAN DATING SITE

American Singles

Sometimes Less is More When Dating On Line

Most women are delighted when they come across a cute guy online who can actually put more than a few sentences together at a time. However, be careful what you wish for, because if he--or she, for that matter--seems to be a little too chatty, there might be something he/she is trying to hide.

E-Mail Lying
From the Curious Mind of Michael Kesterton, The Globe & Mail
People who try to deceive others through e-mail and instant messaging use too many words, scientists at Columbia University have found. Fibbers also use more pronouns about others, perhaps trying to deflect attention away from themselves. Meanwhile, people being lied to ask more questions--perhaps because they sense something is wrong, the researchers wrote in a cognitive journal.

LOOKING FOR AN ONLINE DATING SITE?
Try Using CONNECT Criteria to Select an Online Dating Site

SOME SITES TO CHECK OUT
American Singles
Date.ca
Date.com
eharmony
Lavalife
Match.com
MatchMaker

Tickle.com

True.com